Words and Images

We have already dealt in part with matching imagery and words. For a more extended review, read Sue Knight’s "NLP at Work" Her book is both a review of NLP and a training manual in how to apply the skills to management and leadership. We go now beyond creating a rapport, to the use of our new found understanding of another person’s language (or indeed our own language), to bring about a change in their (and our) approach to life. An adult understanding of our condition is what makes change possible. We have looked at how we are driven, at how we behave and how we learn. So too, once we have listened to and understood how we or someone else thinks, we can start to change it. Let’s take, as an example, the fear of working a room at a party. Almost all professionals share this fear.

In most cases their feelings are especially distressing to them, because they also feel guilty or "wet", that they do not enjoy what they think they see everyone else being so manifestly good at.

And yet these self same professionals enjoy one–to–one relations, they like talking about their subject to a good listener and, in many cases, they make good, even expert, listeners themselves.

How can listening to their words and images help? Just try asking them about their thoughts and feelings as they contemplate or enter a room of strangers, and listen carefully to what they say (from "NLP at Work" Sue Knight: Nicholas Brealey 2002 ):

"I feel as though I’m being pushed through a fog." "Its almost as though my brain stops, I can’t think what to say, I’m no good at jokes and everyone is laughing and happy with each other." "I’m frightened, I don’t know anyone, they all look so aware of each other, I’m excluded."

"No–one will be remotely interested in me, or in what I do, I’m dead boring before I even open my mouth."

"Nothing you can say will change my mind, I’ve tried, I’m just no good at it, no–one wants to talk to me."

In cases like this it is clearly futile to tell the unfortunate to "pull yourself together" or to "just jump in – you’ll soon get used to it."

What are the three common features of this language? First of all, it is all framed in negative terms. Secondly it is stuffed full of absolutes as in "everyone is …. happy with each other", "no–one will be remotely interested in me" and, most importantly of all, it is all seen from the point of the speaker "I feel…", "I’m frightened…", "I’m no good….." etc.

Once we recognise this, we have the platform for transforming thinking. We can start by describing relationships where the professional does feel comfortable. We can remind ourselves of those feelings. And we can start to transpose those feelings to the new context. Sue Knight quotes the following example:

"Jim experimented with his thinking about presentations, first thinking about one–to–one meetings in which he felt confident and relaxed. He discovered that the key distinctions for him were brightness, focus, and the tone of voice with which he spoke to himself. By bringing the quality of his thinking about presentations into line with his thinking about one–to–one meetings, by making the image bright and in focus, and by softening his internal voice tone, he noticed that he felt a steady rippling feeling in his chest. This was the same feeling he experienced in one–to–one meetings. This, for him, was the feeling that he associated with confidence."

There is a second invaluable aspect of NLP – it teaches us to be very precise, and to both listen to and confront meaning. Our next action is therefore to challenge the absolutes: How do you know everyone is happy with each other?

Thirdly, and most importantly, we need to challenge the egocentric "I". My mother dealt with my fear of new gatherings by telling me "You are not there to be entertained. Your job is to be a good guest, and that means listening to, helping, and supporting your hosts. It’s not about you, it’s about them."

There’s the cornerstone for change. Don’t even think about yourself, your fears, your exclusion, your need to make an impression. Think instead aboutthe good feelings you have, listening to and being with a friend. "Working a room" starts and ends with listening to the other person. Stay a short while, feel contented, decide whether you want to know more, ask for their card and move on. You use the follow–up meeting to start to talk about yourself.

Hopefully this little passage will help you all to work a room better. Focus on the other people, listen profoundly to them (see more below), avoid having to make any particular impact yourself, beyond that of an interested, pleasant observer. Take their card, move on. Call them later when you can deal one–to–one.

By listening with purpose, we can start to break down words and phrases and challenge their meaning and relevance. In this case, the emphasis has been on the revealing use of absolutes, and the self–absorbing use of "I".

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